We've Missed The Point

As I pondered why Christian singles aren't dating very much, I was tempted to point fingers in different directions—from the latest Christian book on dating to the moral decline of our society. But it's my contention that we've lost the idea that dating, in its purest sense, is about pleasure. It's pleasurable to see a person smile when they're surprised by your thoughtfulness. It's pleasurable to hear a person's dreams. It's pleasurable to plan an event that will make the other person happy.

Instead, we've allowed that pleasure to be degraded and as a result created a system of dating that's more like a big checklist for compatibility. Do you see yourself having children? Check. Where do you see yourself in five years? Check. Do you speak my love language? Check. This sounds more like a job interview than an experience in pleasure. We enjoy job interviews about as much as a trip to the dentist. Romance was never designed to be a job interview.

Why does a person have friendships? Because they're pleasurable. It's pleasurable to share experiences. It's pleasurable to talk over coffee. It's pleasurable to help someone through a crisis. Rarely does someone pull out a friendship checklist and begin to analyze a person the moment we meet them. If we did this, we'd never have a single friend. Many of our friends are probably totally incompatible with us. But one factor, friendship, overrides every other consideration. Dating in its simplest rendition is nothing more than the beginning of the most unique friendship a human can experience outside of that with God himself.

Does this mean we date every person who comes along? No. We use wisdom and prudence. We continue to guard our hearts, but we also walk the fine line of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. This is the dance that's played out everyday with every individual we meet. We have honed these skills with the average person, we just need to bring them into the dating arena. There are people who are enjoyable on a superficial level, whom we never connect with in a deeper way, and there are those we connect with in a very special manner. Both types of friendships are valuable, but we hope for the deep connections in our future mate. Do we take the time to allow for these connections to unfold?

In the end, I think the dating drought exists mostly because we've taken the mystery of people and, in our scientific way, attempted to categorize the unexplainable. We've failed to ask God what he sees in each person for us. We've failed to enjoy people as God's creation, people who are a reflection of a very special aspect of God's character. Instead we view others as applicants who must meet a job description.

Cheryl